The destruction of me

 

You provoke her until she roars and then get upset at her for becoming the monster you created.

Betrayal, lying, cheating, hiding things from you, they are all enough to make you hurt. Put them all together with the pity act, finding ways around blocks to contact you, and throwing details of infidelity in your face, you then have to deal with me breaking. I don’t know who I have become and I don’t like it.

I will get past this. I have dealt with a lot of trauma in my life, but I think this has to be the worst. The mindfuck that he has put me through is unexplainable. Abuse at it’s worst.

Never underestimate a man’s ability to make you feel guilty for his mistakes ~ Rihanna

It wasn’t my fault, but it was my fault for continuing to believe in him and giving him so many chances. 13 years I look back and question everything. He has lied so much I don’t know what is real anymore. I am at rock bottom, but you know the quote, “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” I will rebuild and start listening to my gut instincts again. I will no longer give up my power to anyone. I will heal and be stronger for it.

I don’t think future relationships are in the cards for me and why I clung to this one. Finding a good man is hard enough, but finding one that can accept me and my illnesses may be impossible. I wear wigs because of years of chemo and thyroid issues.  I tire so easily and always in pain, plus just the fact I live with metastatic cancer alone would scare any man away.  I’m starting to accept that and will be okay. I just need a good friend to have deep conversations with, maybe travel, or just hang out. In the meantime, I will work on me.

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